youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
