The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
