Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
