census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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