Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
