I am in a vortex of obligation.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
This toilet bowl is my home.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
