I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Panties = found
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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