I love having hate sex.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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