I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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