buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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