What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
