I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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