Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
