Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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