allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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