Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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