It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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