im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
