It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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