mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
This show inspires me to have sex in space
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
