I wish I could punch you in the face.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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