How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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