And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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