i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
