Even the bartender felt bad for me
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
