I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
