I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
