And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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