my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
