dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
