im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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