i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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