i just wanna soil my oats bro
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
