I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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