I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
