dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
