Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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