i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
