I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
