i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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