Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
