everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
