I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
