I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
