We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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