and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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