just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize