I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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