I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
