i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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