I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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