i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
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He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
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After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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