Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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