I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
