just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
