You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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